There’s just so much on my mind tonight. 

Everyday, I’m constantly in this mindset of, “he/she hates me.” I don’t know where the feeling comes from, but I’m pretty sure it is an effect of past experiences growing up. I’ve always felt like people didn’t like me or an unnecessary feeling that I did something to make somebody angry or mad or whatever. I don’t think people realize how much their reactions to me have an effect on my self esteem. Like being ignored. dang, I hate that. THE worst feeling ever. There are people in choir that make me feel like this. And I’m not blaming them. I think it’s mostly a personal problem I need to handle myself. It’s just I let them get to me, and ugh. There are people in choir that honestly, make me feel like shit. Sorry to say that. Just there are things that just kill my self esteem and I just feel so low & judged when I’m in the choir room sometimes. Actually, I think most of the time. I know it’s kind of late in the year to complain about this. It’s a venting kind of night. 

My cousin had never met you or heard of you before, but when she saw the pictures she said “The way that he looks with you, it looks as if you are his trophy.” After she said that, I just realized so many things. Because she was right. I feel that way too. You say that I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, but that’s not what I want. I don’t want a guy idolizing me and looking at me that way. Like, I’m some sort of achievement. No. I’m not gonna take that. I’m honestly sorry & regretful for what happened between us. I was stupid & reckless. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I broke your heart, that I’m breaking it. But honestly, you set yourself up for heartbreak. I know that hurts to hear, but you need to hear it. I just can’t explain things right now. I’m just really sorry for everything & I’m really scared to open that letter because I’m afraid it’s gonna say something that I don’t wanna hear anymore and I really don’t want to tell you that it’s over. Because I don’t think you realize it’s over for me. It’s not gonna happen. I don’t want to take any extra baggage with me to the Philippines. I don’t want to carry the burden of knowing you still feel the same way & I don’t. I’m just really, genuinely sorry. I wish I could tell you all this. 

There’s just too much going on right now. My heart literally feels heavy. I just have so many thoughts going through my head, and I feel like the pain and the worry and joy and anxiety and excitement are just radiating throughout my entire body and I just can’t decide what to feel. It’s just crazy to think that a year ago, I didn’t even imagine I would be where I am today. I didn’t know there was Rowland High School. I didn’t know what Infusion was. Now, I’m here. The people I met in the past nine months are my family now. So many memories, and heartbreak as well. But I’m just thankful. But there is just a part of me that is just sad. I’m not sure where it’s coming from, but there’s just a heaviness weighing my heart down and I can’t hold it in. The tears are just coming. My life is pretty crazy. But I love it. Just sometimes, it’s too much to handle.

2 weeks. 

Everything’s going to change. 

It always will. 

Goodnight.

spiritualinspiration:

God, I put You first. I want to start with a clean slate and begin anew as I develop a deeper personal relationship with You. Thank you for sending Your Son who gave His life so I could have a new beginning.

(via spiritualinspiration)

beben-eleben:

(via diedformelivingforhim)

(via worshipgifs)

Feeling lonely & shizzzz. 

bby-leen:

Sometimes you leave someone not because you’re tired of them, not because you stop caring about them, not because you don’t want to be with them anymore. Sometimes you leave someone because you know their life would just be better off without you; that things would just be best that way.

^^current situation